The Bang Blog

Creation vs. Evolution

The Chicken or the Egg

Great Taste or Less Filling

Democrat or Republican

Pac or B.I.G.

Potential vs. Production

All six of these topics have long been the subject of debate. Depending on where you are and who you are talking with you could probably throw out one of these topics (or religion) and start a heated war of words. Depending on the demographic, any one of these (or multiple) topics is sure to divide a room. Well another of life’s greatest questions, which is not so freely discussed in public forums, is that of phallus size! This is something that is normally more reserved for “girls’ nights out” or Sirius Satellite radio. We won’t really be talking about this in rec centers, barbershops, or classrooms.

Doing years of field research I have developed a few theories of my own but have never really been confident enough in them to express my opinion to a large audience. It seems there are a few different levels to how this argument is answered and resolved. As one could assume, and has been confirmed by women all over America, size does matters. However, size doesn’t guarantee a great time. In the event that you are large, you need to be able to harness the gift you have been given. Otherwise, you have a Shawn Bradley dick. Big for no reason! However, if you really know what you’re doing and are able to maneuver, you might be similar to a Hakeem Olajuwon rod! You’re footwork is superb and no matter what the defense does you smoothly adjust and have an answer. That is the difference between a Hall of Fame reputation as a tail whacker and a bust! Guys, just because you’re not huge, doesn’t mean it is impossible to enter this realm yourself. Like many women have said, sure the combo of size and ability is the best but if you have superior drive and skill you can overcome your short stature. What you guys have is Charles Barkley dick. You may be the smallest at your position but because of your hunger and knowledge of how the game is played, you are able to outperform the bigger guys she’s been with and push yourself into the Hall of Fame. Now if you’re really diminutive, just look to Earl Boykins and Muggsy Bogues for inspiration. Although they did not make the Hall of Fame, they still earned a check and saw some valuable tick on the world’s biggest stage. They were a far cry from the bust that is Shawn Bradley.

 Poor Shawn. Poorer Sixers, who played the role of good girl suckered into a one night stand.  

This is where there is a new twist in the argument and something I have been trying to decide for years. This is the dynamic of the correlation between penis size and how quickly the average will sleep with you. Sure, a whore will sleep with you right away no matter what. However, I have been a strong proponent of the idea that a bigger rod gets you laid quicker. Whether Shawn Bradley or Hakeem, the size almost guarantees quicker results with the average girl. Just think Michael Olowokandi and Kwame Brown were both #1 picks off size alone. People are intrigued by size. It is for that reason that having a large bird expedites the process of whacking tail. Like I said, this has often been a belief of mine but Saturday it was confirmed ( Yes, I’ll be tooting my own horn).

This past Saturday I made a trip to Avalon, NJ. Last summer (as in many summers past) it brought me some great memories and even a few blog stories. This summer I have not been able to make it down there to join my fellas. I was holding out for Labor Day weekend but a few things opened up on my calendar and I decided to make the trek. Now months ago I met this girl and I haven’t really ever spoken to her other than the occasional text message. Lucky for me, she happened to be at the jersey shore this past weekend. The two of us got together on Saturday night at about 3:30 AM for our first time ever hanging out with one another. Through our previous texting, I let her know that I was a scumbag. She assured me that she had come across my type before and that type of shit did not fly with her. She was a good girl, not in your typical shy, sheltered sense, but she was just a N.W.A. (nerd with attitude). You know the ones, real bold and sassy but when you really get to the core they are just fronting to avoid guys like myself taking advantage of them. Anyhow, when I arrived at her place, it looked like Auschwitz (for the ignorant). There were bodies lying all over the house. Basically, wherever you fell is where you were sleeping. Still, she felt the need to say, “There is no room in my place.” I quickly proposed the beach and off we went. After about an hour of small talk we began to mess around. It wasn’t too long before she was naked on top of me and really getting aggressive. Then, it happened! She reached down and grabbed my dong. “Oh…Wow…Hi!” she said to the once dormant beast. It was as if she had come across a dragon in the forest. She began to pet it and gasped as she said things like, “Really?? Oh my God. What is in there a roll of quarters?” She was truly flabbergasted! Then she came out and said it, “I want this. I don’t know what I’m going to do with it but I will try my best.” It doesn’t sound like much, but this entire ordeal lasted about 20 minutes. It was 20 minutes of me laughing as she sat and basically spoke to herself in awe. It was now getting to be around 5:20 and the sun was coming out.

Once she was ready for it, I played the nice guy role and said, “I don’t have a condom. It’s in the car.” Usually this is met with an answer like “Who cares, I want it now” or “Do you have sex without a condom often…’No’…Ok, then let’s just do it.” That was not the case this time around. She jumped off and began to patiently wait while I went to grab the goods. When I arrived back from my trek, it was now light and she had gotten kicked off of the beach. “What now?” she asked me. I calmly stated this was no big deal and we could just go bang on her porch, which is exactly what we did. I laid her down and she said, “I hope they (roommates) don’t wake up because then we’ll have an audience because I…ehhh, if I say I don’t ever do anything like this you won’t believe me. Really though I don’t. I know you do because you told me you’re a scumbag but this isn’t my thing.” Actually I did believe her. Soon you will see why. As I slipped in she said “This is definitely one of the high points of my life.” I let her know that I felt the same way, “Only you are being sarcastic and I am dead serious. I can’t wait to tell my boys about this.” Sun shining, seagulls chirping, roommates coming out of their coma (neighbors watching?????) and there we were on the front porch in all of our glory. My ass in the air for a few minutes, followed by her tits bouncing in the cool ocean breeze and we didn’t care who saw us. I did the Dream Shake on that bitch!

However, it is not about that. It is about what she said to me prior to my making the run for a condom, “This has to get you a lot of girls.” I assured her that I do not walk around with it just hanging out while I try to talk with girls. She laughed and said, “I know. But I mean, how many times do you think a girl sleeps with you right away because of THIS! I mean there are probably a ton of girls like me, who wouldn’t normally sleep with somebody on the first night, but then they see this and they have got to seize the opportunity. You don’t find something like this everyday.” There it was. This is the reason I believed her that she doesn’t normally do this. In my lifetime I have been around plenty of con-men and criminals of all sorts. I can usually tell when someone is bullshitting. I know the whore that plays that card from the good girl who is just overwhelmed by the big bird! She was overwhelmed! The difference she has always been very candid and outspoken. She is not afraid to say what is on her mind (as opposed to most girls). Basically, there was no way she would sleep with me on the first night unless she was trying to experience the long pipe. In my many travels, I had developed the hypothesis that for the most part, the average girl will sleep with you on the first night if your rod is bigger. It’s just like a GM taking a gamble on Sam Bowie, Shawn Bradley (#2 picks but still hold true as the most worthy of examples), Michael Olowokandi, or Kwame Brown. They may not know what they are getting themselves into but they understand the risk. They know that they aren’t always in position to take a franchise altering 7 footer with their position in the draft. Same thing with girls: Rarely do they ever come across the possibility of a life altering sexual experience with a huge rod. Sure, it isn’t guaranteed that it will be that great. They might even have an average rod (Charles Barkley) on call that is a proven good time. The thing is, this is rare for them. They feel obligated to take the chance and see what this dick will do for them. It is because of this I believe I have had such success banging girls so quickly. Sure, you have to get them to the point where they want to feel your bird but once you get them there, if you’re packing a 7 footer and they have the first pick in the draft, chances are you’ll be shaking hands with David Stern ( fucking the shit out of her ) right away!

 Last weekend, surely you saw them! DDB T-shirts flooded the streets of Avalon and most notably The Princeton! Unfortunately, with my new job and the relocation that I made, I am never able to make it to good ol’ Avalon. I am stuck in DC searching for my man Marion Barry so that we might be able to get some hookers and smoke some crack. I couldn’t find Marion but I found plenty of hookers and even more crack (of which I indulged in neither). So there I was 4th of July weekend with more of the same D.C. nonsense while my friends were living it up in Avalon…with my t-shirts on! From what I heard, they were a hit. The team did quite well for themselves from the reports I have received and once again (just like last summer) has a stranglehold on The Princeton. To guide me through today’s blog I am going to call on the help of one of Delaware County’s only rap stars (I’m pretty sure he’s the only one), Kurupt. Hailing from Sharon Hill, over the past 15 years he has repositioned himself as one of the West Coast’s biggest stars. That’s what happens when you take that Delco swagger out West, people just bow down! Anyhow, the title of one of Kurupt’s most popular tracks is also the affect that Team DDB has every time they hit the spot. GIRLS ALL PAUSE!

“When the DDB came, see it’s the same ol’ gang

Same ol’ gangsta gang, it’s the same old thang

Just new days and new ways to twist

It’s like this, the DDB came and the….

Girls all pause”

It’s hard to ignore 20 guys in pale yellow shirts walking into a bar. It’s even tougher to ignore them when they are big as shit and they post up in the center of the bar and dance like tribal warriors celebrating a new conquer. That’s exactly what we did every night last summer and by all reports I heard that this is how the DDB made their entrance on Friday July 4. The only difference from usual was the fact that they were all wearing the shirts I told you about last week. Immediately the females were perplexed by the way these attractive men were content to be dancing only with one another. This triggers something in these women that forces them to approach us. They find mystery in the fact that the DDB is not concerned with them and would rather dance with one another. This is prime positioning that usually turns the tables on the whole structure of the traditional “game”. Now, instead of the men wondering what is up with the girls and trying to approach them, the DDB basically forces the hand of the females. Now, they have questions and they’ve got to come see us for the answers. You could see that this was in play within fifteen minutes of entrance. There were a couple attractive females who immediately took note of Kris Kringle and Crusher. Crusher acquired this name earlier in the week from Jeb. For the way he just absolutely Crushed every task at hand. He was clearly the weekend MVP. Kris gets his title for the fact that it isn’t often that he joins in our festivities but when he does it is a treat. He’s bringing gifts for all you bitches! From the jump, it was obvious that these girls were lay-ups. This is only fitting considering the DDB members played some intense hoops that morning in where there was no such thing as an easy bucket. Twelve hours later, the lane parted and it was showtime. Now both the Crusher and Kris are pretty secretive about theirs. These guys haven’t really told me too much about their behind closed doors actions but I’ll assume they handled their business. After all, they are down with the crew and to me, their silence speaks volumes!

“She say I’m young, but I’m cute

The kind of guy she likes, in room 802444

But she gone lie tonight, but one things fo’ sho

When Roscoe creeps slow through the do’

The… Girls all pause”

Even though I don’t know exactly everything that happened with Kris, I know there was definitely a cougar involved. Which leads to one of the more intriguing parts of the Avalon lifestyle. Cougars are just begging to catch it nonstop. I heard from various sources that at one point they were passing some 40 year blonde around in a circle like hot potato. She was clinging to whatever meat was in front of her and loving every second of it. Even Rod was getting in on the action here! Is it wrong to suggest to the DDB that, if you’re going to do any more theme nights this summer, you should dress up in safari outfits and hunt for cougars. Honestly, it gets no better! Everyone should whack a cougar. Bring out nets and everything!

“This ones for the homies

Actin’ like they know me

When you move slowly, so nobody falls (girls all pause)”

Last we heard from Anti-Chad, I’m not sure what the hell he was doing. However, I know what he was doing this weekend. He was acting very careless and humoring hordes of Chads. For some reason, people think that A-C is their boy. All night long people come up to him and say hello, shake hands, and even small talk. Then he will be the first to look to you and ask their name. This Saturday was apparently no different as one would expect. Avalon=More Chads=More Activity for A-C.

“Got 10 girls that pay me

Just so they can lay me

And when they come to see me, I just drop my drawers

Girls all pause”

Last but not least, I gotta let you in on the world of the Dr. Surely you couldn’t believe I sat quietly through this weekend and just played with myself. I hit the streets and I rounded up a few new options for the future. I even met a girl on my Saturday walk of shame. She couldn’t tell I was on the walk of shame because I looked normal while she was a dead ringer! “Walk of shame, huh?” I said to her. She wanted to laugh but instead looked at me in disgust. I assured her that everything was alright and that “the only shameful thing about it is that you are not walking back from my place. How can we make sure that doesn’t happen again?” Bang! I had her number. Right now I’m sitting on a nice little roster. It may not be as star studded as team USA’s starting five with Kobe, Melo, Lebron, Jason Kidd, and Dwight Howard but it will get results. It’s more like the Pistons, all have very good facets to their games and when you take into account the way they balance each other out, it’s like a perfect storm. They all have their own roles to fill and none of them are looking like they will overstep their bounds. I also reduced the babe from work to the Ricky Pierce role, you know, sixth man extraordinaire. Doesn’t rebound, doesn’t get assists she is only there for scoring purposes!

 Just like Ricky Pierce, the Doctor can stroke!

It was actually a month and a half long struggle. As you have read previously, I have had a bear of a time getting rid of the girl from work. All the while, I was whacking other tail. In my mind I was cool though because I look at it this way: I never cheated on her, I just lied when I told her that I was her boyfriend. Remember that guys, it is a major loophole! After completely ignoring her last weekend she was out for blood Monday. We argued at work over email that I didn’t feel like dealing with her and she demanded that we talk face to face. That was fine with me. She didn’t want to go out without a fight. I could have just lowered the boom at work but I wanted to wait for the right moment. I was just waiting for her to back into her stutter step approach like a’la Piston Honda! Sure I could have pressed select and waste the star punch on her early but I wanted to make sure she went down for the count! Late Tuesday I went over and the fight began. She threw a hook and I countered with a few alternating jabs. Then she answered with an uppercut and I came back with a flurry of rights. Everything I said she had an answer for!!!! Eventually I had her reeling. She backed up and got ready to come at me strong…..I held out until the right time…..BODY BLOW!!!! Piston went down for the count. It was finished! Upon my exit, she begged me to stay with her for one last night! I obliged. I go downstairs and she was pulling out all the stops to win me back. She ate my ass, let me nut on her face, the whole 9! When it was all said and done she told me that she loved me! I couldn’t believe what was going on!!!! I am glad I got out when I did. However, like I said, she’s still on the team she just went from Alvin Robertson to Ricky Pierce. She’ll be back to fight again! Remember, on the way to Tyson, you’ve got to fight Piston Honda twice! But don’t fret, I’m not Little Mac, I’m a big mack! I will continue to stick and move!

On Friday July 4, some members of Team DDB will be unveiling these shirts in Avalon, NJ. Why? Simply because we run Avalon. Anyone interested can e-mail TeamDDB@gmail.com with details on how to get your hands on one.

I last checked in with you guys as Donnie Assco. Just an update, the situation has not gotten any better! I am still whacking a girl from work even though I am doing everything to drive her away. Over the past month I have only seen her about 4 times outside of work, yet she still will not give me the heave-ho. During this month, I have spent every weekend in a different locale. In each of these weekends I have avoided all contact from the broad in question. No texts/phone calls placed by me. No texts/phone calls answered by me. No contact whatsoever! Still, this girl refuses to come to grips with the fact that I am not boyfriend material. I have seen How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days in passing but I’m not sure what tactics were used or what the final result was, but being a movie I’m guessing they fell more in love. Clearly, that is not the desired result in this endeavor of mine.

Sure, I could just be up front, break up with her and run the risk of a very bad blow-out in the workplace or maybe just persistent little in work annoyances. For that reason, I’d rather just push her to her wits end and have her break up with me. That way, she winds up happy with the fact that she got rid of the jerk-off that did not care about her anyway.  I honestly have no clue what steps will finally push her over the edge. However, I am marveled at the transformation that she has undergone while under the spell of the DDB. When I first met her she was a self-respecting, intelligent girl that demanded more than the usual object of my desire. I treated her as such and unfortunately for her, she fell into the trap. Now, her mind is mush and her self respect is gradually slipping away. She continues to put up with, and accept, the fact that her “boyfriend” does not care at all about the progression of the relationship. It’s amazing that all girls seem to be the same just that some come to the battle with better armor.

Anyhow, in celebration of last week’s NBA Draft I am going to discuss how a man should chose a woman and the differences that separate a franchise player (girlfriend) from a role player (a solid bang). First, I am going to give you a list of some of the more common “buzz” words/phrases that have become so common when talking about players and their draft status and how these words can be applied to women:

1. Potential – Every woman has a certain level of potential. Sure, guys don’t like to admit that they would bang every woman at the bar but depending on how late in the night it gets and other various factors, every chick is a possible bang (pick).

2. Upside – In draft terms this is similar to potential. In banging terms, these are the

good qualities you begin to list about a potential bang. The upside is what you use to justify the terrible move that you are about to make. When it comes to women, I prefer backside to upside any day of the week!

3. Fearless – This enters on two levels when it comes to broads. First, they are

probably fearless because they are so hammered they don’t mind leaving the bar with you and your five friends. They don’t care that they just met you tonight. Second, they are probably willing to try just about anything in bed. Sometimes, they might meet both levels or fearless although they may change their tune after they sober up (see Kobe in Colorado). However, more often than not you want a fearless girl like this for a night or two. They are usually a great time. You don’t want to invest too much time in someone like this though, you aren’t the first person they’ve done all of this with.

    4. It – I often hear people refer to players as having “It.” Now if someone ever told    

me that a chick had it, I’d just assume they were talking about HIV or something.   Now, know in NBA terms having “It” is a good thing, I just can’t get passed “It” being anything good. If someone refers to a chick as having “It”, stay far away!

    5. Motor – When I think of a girl with a high motor, I think of a complete nympho.

Usually, girls with high motors are fearless. They just can’t get enough. They are a perfect find as they will probably give it to you on the first night as well as on repeat occasions. They are very likely to come back to you on occasion as a late night booty call just like a grizzled veteran that keeps getting contracts just to guide the young guys!

   6. Scoring Machine/Scores in Bunches – Usually a fearless girl with a high motor

will in turn be a scoring machine. The only problem here is that she may have “It!” You need to be careful with the scoring machine. You may sleep with her the first time under the impression that she has great upside, yet once you realize that she is a scoring machine, you should make sure to protect yourself against her frequent outbursts. You can’t stop the scoring machine. You may contain her for a quarter(week) or two but she’s going to go on a tear eventually. Always wear protection with a scoring machine.

  7. Finishes at the Rim With Authority – I do not need to say too much about this do

I? I mean what would you rather have a girl that avoids contact and you are forced to shoot a floater on her back/stomach etc. Or a girl to just throw you in her mouth when the time comes and finish you off with authority. The authority is important as it is so much better when they attack it like they are enjoying every second of it! I think it is imperative that a girl is a strong finisher!

  8. Wingspan – In woman terms, wingspan refers to a girl’s group of

friends/acquaintances. Dating a girl with a great wingspan could be dangerous. Wherever you go, her friends will have an eye on you. If you think a girl has a large wingspan you’re better off keeping her as a bang. Anytime you date a girl, you don’t want them to have a outrageous wingspan. Even if you are not doing anything wrong, the people in the wingspan will make up some shit that will have you answering questions!

  9. Ballhandling – This is another quality that needs minor elaboration. If you are going

to date a girl she has got to be a great ball handler. Sure, you would prefer every girl to have some ball handling skills, however you really demand it out of those you expect to have your balls in their hands the most!

10. Basketball IQ – Any girl with a High Basketball IQ is girlfriend material. She’s

           going to make it a lot harder to get over on her with your bullshit. So, why waste your time?   

          You should just be happy that you found a girl with high IQ and keep her around. This is a rare

          quality in both today’s NBA and the world of women.

 11. NBA Body – Of course, every girl you whack, you want them to have a great body.

Fact of the matter is, the later it gets in the draft, the less appealing the bodies become. You then have to hope that their upside is enough to outweigh their less than appealing body. Usually, potential and NBA body go hand in hand. The less NBA ready a girl’s body is, the less potential she has. Most times, an NBA body with a less than marketable face will get picked up over a roly-poly female with a face for television. I also should mention that in the case that a player is “rail thin” (small tits) it is possible that in a few years on an NBA weight program (or $5,000 to a good surgeon) this player could transform their body.

12. High Character – Now, if you’re aiming for that good bang you probably want to

stay away from broads with High Character. If you’re in the market for a girlfriend I’d jump at any girl that has high character.

13. Concerns about Entourage – Your friends (fans) are usually more concerned about

this than you are. They would prefer that the girl you bang (player selected) does not run with a bunch of hood-rats and skanks (thugs and gang bangers). The fact that they have hot friends in their entourage is key to the acceptance of the girl into your group of friends (city).

14. Clingability – You want to stay far away from any girl that is going to cling to you!

I am currently experiencing this!

There you have it, fourteen of the more ridiculous terms you see thrown around in the NBA Draft (OK, the last one I made up) circles and how they apply to women. Now, when looking for a girlfriend, I think it’s obvious that you want a girl with: high character, high basketball IQ, an NBA body, great ballhandling ability, and a small/average wingspan. You also hope that she would be a dynamic finisher. The chicks you would love to have for a night also should handle the ball well and finish strong but you’d also look for one that scores in bunches, has a low IQ, a high motor and a sense of fearlessness. At least that is my opinion. Also, you don’t want to wife anybody that is a Dick Vitale player. This is the kind of girl that everybody knows just because she’s always on the scene (playing the ACC) so she is a household name amongst all the dudes that whack tail. You just look like a fool there! You’re better off going the Don Nelson route and gambling on a lesser known talent from another country (out of town) that people don’t know anything about.

In terms of breaking down the top 2 picks in the 2008 NBA Draft it seems that if you had a girl with Derrick Rose’s qualities, she would be girlfriend material. Let’s examine his positives. He’s a pass first PG. This shows that he is unselfish. Every guy wants an unselfish girl so that he can do as little as possible to please her. She is going to cater to you and make sure you are happy in your role. Second, Rose is a tenacious defender. This shows that he has pride in himself and his game. Any girl that does not have pride in herself is not worth dating because why would you be proud of dating her. She will just live life being happy as she goes from 22 and in shape to 28 and sloppy! Rose also has a great basketball IQ and we already discussed how this is a key factor. Going along with the pride issue, Rose is a proven winner. Of course you want a girl that is a winner otherwise she is going to bring you right down with her. You don’t want a bum that is doing nothing with herself. That being said, Rose makes those around him better. This is exactly what you want. Especially if you are reading this blog, because if you are reading this blog, you are probably a scumbag just like me! Scumbags like us can only benefit from dating a girl that will make us better. Anyone that could possibly make us worse has to be an absolute whore!

As for Beasley, the main thing that stands out as a negative for him are his character issues. You don’t want a girl who people consider immature and with a questionable past. I mean sure you’d bang her and that’s it. If Beasley were a broad, he’d really possesses every characteristic of a chick you’d just want to bang. He’s got a high motor and is a scoring machine. He needs work on ballhandling. He’s got a big wingspan. He’s a great rebounder which means, if you’re a sensitive dude, you can’t even be anywhere near a great rebounder. She is going to make you fall in love and then just run after the next carom. Finally, my favorite phrase of the entire draft was “second jumpability”. I hope I don’t have to pay to use this term Bilas. Beasley possesses this! If a chick had “second jumpability” I would think that it meant she is just bouncing around trying to get dick all night. If her first attempt is unsuccessful, then she is back on her feet going after it again, quicker than anybody else. I know I don’t want any chick with “second jumpability”. Not for anything! Either you want to bang me or you don’t. I don’t want you reaching for another dick and when you fail, then you try to come after mine! Save that shit for somebody else!

 This is how you can use the NBA Draft to assess talent the next time you are on the night scene. Don’t be deterred by anything but “It”. If you hear that a girl has “It”, find a new draft target. Otherwise, identify the type of player you are in the market for, assess her potential, and make sure she either fills a need you have or is the best available at that point. See, women think we are dumb, when in actuality we are intelligent and we just break things down in our own way! Now, all of you guys out there whacking tail after reading this, I want you to speak to the girls in your life and let them know whether they are a Beasley or a Derrick Rose. Don’t just call them a Rose though, that is too flattering. You have to have them confused as to what you mean!  

4^th of July this weekend! I expect the team to be in full effect! Hope to have a great entry for you next Monday! Party Safe!

Ahhhhh good morning gentlemen, DDB is back! I know I have been away for awhile and I’m sure there were several thoughts going through everybody’s head. Don’t think I haven’t heard the whispers. “Is the DDB in love?” Fughedaboutit! “All that stuff the DDB talks and look; he goes and falls in love on us. This guy is a fake.” Yeah, you got me! I’m a fugazi! The DDB a fugazi? Fuuuuuuugheadboutit! The fact of the matter is that I moved down to D.C. and I have also been working undercover lately. That’s right, I have been getting my agent Joseph Pistone on for the past month and a half. For any of you that don’t recognize the name, maybe Donnie Brasco rings a bell. That was the alias (and title of the movie) he used while infiltrating the mob. You might have to bear with me as I get back into this whole writing groove because it might take me awhile to sharpen up my quips and build stronger metaphors but I’m becoming re-acclimated to being the DDB. I was eager to put my days as Donnie, the romantic, behind me, and provide you with the latest on my situation and now that day has come.

As I had mentioned earlier I have moved a little further down the coast to D.C. as my job had transferred me there. I really think my boss reads the blog and he figured my production was slowing and I needed some new prospects for www.liveddb.com. In any event, I got down to D.C. and wasted no time finding someone to show me around my new reaping ground. Little did she know, she was the primary goal. Sure, most people will tell you not to shit where you eat but they aren’t the DDB. I think myself and fellow team DDBers agree, when you need to shit, you go wherever there is a toilet up to your standards. Well, this was definitely as beautiful a piece of porcelain as I had ever seen on the job. I have worked several different full time gigs since graduating college (and at the rate I am going with writing blogs on the clock I am sure I will work plenty more) and this girl was probably the best looking girl I have  encountered while nine to fiving it. She works in the same department as me and since we are close in age, I guess we hit it off.

In my days at work bullshitting with Vanessa(as we will call her) I noticed a few important things about her. The most important was that she falls in that dreaded 27-33 age group. If you will recall, way back I set this age range as the one place where women require you to work. They are the last of the good girls. Sure, you can still find some sluts in this range but they are less prevalent. Between her age and the way she spoke and acted, I knew she was not the type just to be satisfied with a little fun. I knew she was looking for a nice guy. She wanted somebody who was going to be good to her and treat her right, a romantic guy. With that being said, I decided to assume the identity that I have been operating under for the past month, Donnie ASSco. She knew me only as Donnie. She was the MOB! My first step was to gain her friendship. This was basically the equivalent to Donnie getting close to Benjamin Ruggiero a.k.a. Lefty Guns (Al Pacino’s character). I know you guys are wondering, “What if you’re wrong about her DDB? What if she is just like all the rest of the girls you whack?” Well friends, I’d like to quote Lefty Guns in saying, “Wiseguy’s always right. Even when he’s wrong, he’s always right!” So yeah, I used my wiseguy intuition and that is how I was approaching things.

  Donnie had to gain Lefty’s Trust First! 

The first few weeks of work, to her, I was “Don the Jeweler.” I was some guy new on the scene that nobody knew, full of mystery. We began just flirting and talking to each other occasionally at work.  Through talking a little bit and seeing what I was all about, I transformed into Donnie Assco. Then, one day she offered me to come hang out with her and a few of her friends. She figured I didn’t know anyone in D.C. and she didn’t want me to just be sitting home on the weekends with nothing to do. Clearly she does not understand how far the reach of the DDB stretches and that I happen to have friends down here already, still I accepted the offer. Once she decided to invite me out with her friends, I figured she had gone “on the record for me.” To her, I was good enough to meet her friends and be brought into her circle. Just like Lefty bringing Donnie into the everyday dealings of his crime syndicate. Now, I knew I had her trust and that she thought of me as a “stand-up guy!”

Now that she obviously thought I was good enough to be in her circle of friends, my next step was trying to convince her that I was good enough to get in her pants. The pussy was the mob’s hierarchy, the inner circle. In order to fit in (get the pussy) I found myself doing things I that were very foreign to me. I went on robbery runs (dates), I witnessed shootings (watched chick flicks), I even sawed up a dead body (held hands with her on the street). All of these things were very out of character and made me sick to my stomach. There were times I nearly threw up at the thought of my actions. Still, through all of this she still wasn’t letting me nail! She kept saying it was too soon. Fughedaboutit! I guess I had to respect it though. She was a good girl and I was Donnie, the good guy.  I knew however, that it was all a part of the job and I was determined to reach my goal. One night, on the way back from miniature golf (which I won by the way) she began telling me some things about her last boyfriend and got a little emotional. It was at this point I knew I had infiltrated the MOB (her heart) she was really feeling Donnie. Just like when the guys went on the trip to Florida to take over the operation of “King’s Court.” This moment in the car was Donnie and Sonny Black on “The Left Hand,” I knew my job was nearly over and that it was not all for nothing!

 Cheers! I’m almost in there! 

It was about a week after this that she was finally ready to let me in. After weeks of hard work that was rewarded only with kid shit, she was ready to let me make the jump. First she asked me, “Do you have a condom?” Fughedaboutit! My eyes lit up, it was time!  Maaaaan, I beat that pussy up like it was Mr. Moto asking me to take off my shoes at the Japanese restaurant. How was the pussy? Fughedaboutit! That shit was real nice but now I face several questions. She wants me to be her boyfriend. Donnie I can do but boyfriend I am not so sure. I mean there are several perks to this nailing a girl from work but there are more negatives to being somebody’s boyfriend. Yeah I get to hit before work, after work, and sometimes even during work. Yeah, so we have some fun on our lunch break or we just make a break in the day to handle ours. Shit, she even makes me lunch most days and brings it in for me. But, if I was her boyfriend then I couldn’t be the DDB. I could not do what I am so accustomed to doing, a total lifestyle change. I do not think that I am ready for that just yet. It’s like the end of the movie when Donnie was sent to whack Bruno, Sonny Red’s son (become her boyfriend). Do you whack the guy and hold up your end of the deal? This will get you in much deeper and totally goes against what you believe. If you don’t whack him, then you expose yourself as a fugazi and deal with the consequences, squandering all of my hard work. I’m in too deep! I don’t feel like fucking up things at work and I don’t want to be a boyfriend. I should have seen this coming! Just like Lefty said, being in the mob (banging a girl from work) is not like being in the Army, “In the Army they send you to whack some guy (girl) you don’t even know.” That is how the DDB likes it. Whacking girls he doesn’t know. It doesn’t get messy and there is less to deal with down the road!

Months ago I labeled a day “National Sucker’s Day” due to the immense amount of weddings that took place on that particular day. However, today is the “sucker’s holiday.” This is a day where people will spend money and partake in activities simply because they are absolute suckers. Everything about this day shouts SUCKER!

First, Valentine’s Day originally became associated with love through Geoffrey Chaucer. Now, if you’re reading The Bang Blog, you obviously appreciate great writing and are probably highly familiar with Geoffrey Chaucer. Just because you know who he is, does not mean that most people can reel off the different narratives from The Canterbury Tales or even explain how to use an astrolabe (Treatise on the Astrolabe). So, why exactly did so many people decide to follow this lead? Probably because Valentine’s Day took off during the period of courtly love. For those people who don’t know what courtly love is, it is a far cry from what we see in our American society today. Courtly love is the way in which we ideally envision pulling broads as a young child. You know, bravery, chivalry, and all that other bullshit; being attentive to her needs, kissing her ass, fighting for her honor. All those things that you think matter until you turn 14 years old and realize that; you’re better off being friends with the dude you’re about to fight over this girl (because by the time you turn 18 both of you will have nailed her), you’re 14 and have plenty of your own needs to be concerned about, and you’re more than halfway to being a grown man and that ass kissing needs to stop (besides, nice guys finish last!). It’s true though, we are now in an era where that courtly shit doesn’t fly! Girls don’t want you to kiss their ass anymore. They want you to be your own man! Courtly love is a thing of the past and really only prevails in movies. YOU ARE PLAYING YOURSELF thinking anything else!

 Jeru The Damaja says, “With All That Valentine’s Day Talk, You’re… Playing Yourself!” 

Second, Valentine’s Day is a creation of big business to make themselves a couple of dollars. Did you know that at one point there were 11 different Valentine’s Days? Each of these days represented a different martyr. Somewhere along the line, a marketing genius decided to move all of these days into just one great big holiday where they could capitalize on the one-upping nature of human beings. This holiday ranks right behind Christmas in terms of selling the most cards and having the most gifts given. Give me a fucking break! Jesus Christ was born on one of these days and he went on to supposedly change the world and the way we live. Today is in memory of two priests who got killed because of their faith. I think there is a huge difference. I mean we’re talking the Son of God’s birth and the death of two priests. It’s not even close if you ask me! Needless to say, this whole Valentine’s Day has spiraled way out of control in the U.S. The best part about Valentine’s Day is the mascot. Cupid, as we all know, is highly celebrated as the mascot of LOVE. Apparently nobody knows that he is the god of erotic love and SEX! Somewhere along the line those corporate douchebags decided to leave the entire sex part out of it. It’s like 364 days of the year we’re focusing on having sex but for this one day we’re supposed to believe that it is all about love??? Give me a break, nobody sensible is buying it! That right there is the problem. Not too many people are actually sensible! Like the saying goes, “there is a sucker born every minute.” Just as every penny adds up to make dollars, every sucker adds up to make these companies millions of dollars. Trust me, there are tons of guys who get reeled into to corporate America’s idea of Valentine’s Day and what do they get out of it? A hit in their bank account, a basket of chocolate from their girl, a day without bitching (If you do it right. Do it wrong and the bitching is magnified.), and a night on the calendar that you’re more than likely not going to be watching any sports! In my opinion it is nowhere near worth it. Once again, if you get all into this Valentine’s Day shit, you are a sucker! You are getting played again. Only this time CORPORATE AMERICA IS PLAYING YOU!

Finally, as much as you hate to admit it, you’re girl is definitely going to take advantage of you if you buy into the gimmick that is Valentine’s Day. She is going to take you to the cleaners. She’s going to get her gifts, eat her dinner, enjoy her nice treatment, and all the while in the back of her head she’s thinking “What a bitch. I own this guy.” Unless you end the night by really laying the wood to her right and treating her like the whore you thought she was (and probably still is) before you fell in love with her, she’s taking advantage of you. While broads might not be the brightest, they are wise enough to know that today is their day! They are also not intelligent enough to know that Cupid is the god of sex! Therefore, they expect all the love and all the pampering and sometimes they feel that these acts, for once, don’t require them to put out on this day. It’s nonsense! Hand and foot catering is what they want today and if you give it to them, you should be ashamed. Meanwhile, in the back of her head she is thinking “This guy has no balls. Why doesn’t he say, ‘You know what, fuck Valentine’s Day. You’re treating me today bitch!” That is really what she wants. She wants a guy who will take control and maintain control no matter the circumstance. You need to keep your dignity and treat today as any regular day. Sure if you’ve got a girl, maybe a card and some candy will do but anything outrageous is foolish ( unless it’s your wife…and she is a good wife). Usually women are prey but on Valentine’s Day, they are predators. They smell blood on Valentine’s Day and they will attack until they have usurped control over everything that makes you a man. If you’re going to allow yourself to give in to the charade that is Valentine’s Day, by giving this control to the woman, you are a fool. Giving someone a false sense of power could lead to a total coup! Your woman knows that, on this day, you are at your most vulnerable. If you are that predictable and you give in, YOUR WOMAN IS PLAYING YOU!

There it is, 3 ways to get played on Valentine’s Day and why it is a sucker’s holiday. I’ll give you a quick anecdote on how I completely fucked up and got baited into the V-Day hoopla several years back before I became so wise! I began hanging out with this girl because I was trying to nail her roommate. It was very platonic and we became good friends. She was good looking but for whatever reason I was set on nailing her roommate. That was my goal. Just like Wilt in 1967-68 leading the league in assists, sure he could have scored 35 a game that season and won the scoring title but his stubbornness found him determined to be the assist king that season. Anyhow, at some point I wound up nailing her before anything with her roommate came to fruition. After less than a month of the two of us first banging, Valentine’s Day was upon us. I was in a serious pickle. If I do anything for this girl she might think I like her way more than I do. If I do nothing, her roommate may look at me like I am a complete jerk-off. What do I decided to do? The dumb thing! I buy this girl flowers for Valentine’s Day with the intention of impressing the roommate. What happens? Shortly thereafter I wind up with a girlfriend who was not her roommate. The whole thing backfired on me. Given the opportunity to make that play again, here is what I would do: I would not give that girl a damn thing. Both she and her roommate would think I was a dickhead and she would probably have stopped talking to me. In that time that we did not talk she and her roommate would have discussed how much of an asshole I was for thinking it was alright to just fuck her on the regular and not show any signs of gratitude on Valentine’s Day. Somewhere in between the bashing, she would rehash how good the sex actually was and reveal to her roommate that she has been pining for a dick-down for the past few weeks. Faced with the reality of how good I sling the wood, the roommate would then be made curious and possibly put herself in a position to separate fantasy from reality (Which, when it comes to getting banged by DDB they are one in the same). I would have come out of the entire situation ahead of the game and still with my single man’s freedom in tact. Lessons lived are lessons learned. With all this Valentine’s Day bashing I think I should let you know that I am a hypocrite and in the end, I have given in to all the hype. Today I purchased a Valentine’s Day card for…myself!

  There you have it! Tomorrow, February 15 will be the first annual DDB Day! Far from a sucker’s holiday. It is a player’s holiday! Why? Because every Valentine’s Day, you are stuck lying to your significant other all day while thinking about some other piece that you either, are currently or would like to be smashing. Then, that next day you look to get salvage your balls and your manhood and go out looking to score that new piece or run back to the side piece talking about how torturous Valentine’s Day was for the both of you. This year it is especially relevant seeing that the February 15 falls on a Friday. This means lots of trysts, weekend rendezvous, and nights at strip clubs following the most love filled day of the year. If February 14 is about Cupid’s love side, February 15 is AAF (All About Fucking)! Enjoy DDB Day and the rest of the weekend. We all know that after tonight, you’re going to need the release!

When I began writing this blog about 9 months ago, I centered it on our ridiculous dealings with women and how our disrespectful ways somehow seemed to attract them. Our careless aura seemed to be a magnet for bad ass broads. Once they were attracted to our negligence, our reckless banter seemed to further interest them. I was marveled by the connection between this type of behavior and success in pulling trim. That is the entire reason behind this blog (that and the fact that I get bored as hell at work and I know many of you do too). However, I recent months, it is not that I haven’t been knocking down poon like a sickle to grain; it’s just that it hasn’t been in such an outlandishly careless manner. Sure, I still say whatever I want when given the opportunity but the fact of the matter is that I have not had as much opportunity. Somewhere between October and now I have seemingly mastered the art of eye contact. I don’t know how or when it happened but in my most recent nightlife endeavors, I don’t need anything but a gaze to engage women in a conversation. They aren’t even long conversations. Sure, I still try to throw in my own flamboyantly inappropriate comments but they now are met with almost no reaction. That has led to a less eventful blog recently and I apologize. I’m just going to keep plugging and keep providing you guys with material to leave you laughing through your work-days.

Two Fridays ago, we experienced a perfect example of this phenomenon. Upon entering our venue of choice, I was immediately approached with great vigor by a very attractive female. She began speaking to me with such excitement that my friend Sebastian was thrown off guard. By her reaction, he thought that this was somebody I had known for years other than seconds. This is what I mean by this strange eye contact shit. It’s like all introductions and ice breaking is right out the window. These people are approaching me like I am a great friend that they have not seen in years. Pretty much the same thing happened within 5 minutes of girl #1 walking away. I had a new piece on my plate and I spoke with her for a few minutes until girl #1 returned. Then it was like it did not even matter. These two girls immediately hit it off and we partied and danced together for awhile. It was as if my soothing stare had set aside all trepidations these two girls may have had about the scumbag they could possibly (I know there is nothing possible about it. It’s a lock but they don’t know for sure.) be dealing with. Once I had some more of my boys enter, I dismissed these broads hoping to find them sometime later with their respective groups of friends so that I could close the deal with each of them. Once we decided it was time to leave I set out to find my two new friends and make sure we would be talking in the near future. To my dismay, I found them further enjoying one another’s company. It was almost like they were best friends, their respective groups of friends biding to win back their friends’ attentions. I thought my hopes were shot. How on earth am I going to pull this off right in front of both of their faces? It ended up going over very smoothly. I exchanged contact info with both of them without either feeling offended and even with one of them having her significant other close by.

 “Shawty straight digging me and I ain’t even richI know you n***** on the sideline like ain’t that a bitch!”

- T-Pain from Rick Ross’ The Boss

Later that night we moved to a different joint and I happened to befriend one of the establishment’s better looking patrons. We hit it off quite nice and spent a good portion of the night dancing and talking. As the night moved on, I noticed that there was a tremendous amount of attention being paid to her. The positive attention she was receiving resulted in an equal amount of hate being paid towards myself. This is another phenomenon that I will never understand. The purpose of this blog is to unite men and give us a forum on which we can revel in our pussy conquering. I think every man shares a desire to nail tail. So, why is it that when some guys see a tender morsel parading around with another guy, they divert their efforts from whacking tail to hating on any guy with a piece? I do not understand this and maybe it is why so many guys go home with nothing in the bag. If they just remain focused on the task at hand they’ll wind up getting ass but they want to let guys like those in Team DDB ruin their night. Just take this for example; Last night I left work and my goal was to get home. It was snowing and shit and some roads were closed. If I let this affect my attitude and changed my ultimate goal from “getting home” to “sitting still in my car and being mad at the roads that are snow covered”, I would have never made it home. Now, all you guys who partake in this practice or have friends that do such, spread the word! Don’t get discouraged and give up on the night just because some other guys pull tail! Otherwise, every night would be ruined. Just look at these guys as inspiration. Say to you, “Man, if he can pull something, I’ve got to be able to get something of my own!” Acknowledge that opportunities abound and get back on your grind. Stop hating on guys that are on their way to where you want to be and get there yourselves!

 Cheer Up Scott, There’s No Wide Right With Bitches! 

Now, after such a successful weekend, one in which I had quite the little episode on Saturday night (Too little happened for as long as the story would have to be) I was feeling quite invincible. Actually, I feel pretty invincible every day but I was in a little bit of a zone. Trying to relive my teens I was up all night Friday and Saturday, until 5AM Sunday night, and then until about 3AM Monday. I was really hype for Fat Tuesday figuring that I could carry this momentum into Fat Tuesday. What better day to act like a complete pussy-glutton! I have no intention on giving up whacking-tail for lent but in celebration of the day, I was ready to go hard. That was until I received a phone call from an old friend. Now, this is an old friend who is not one of your typical friends. She’s one of those, “I should have banged her and somewhere along the line it fell through but we still keep in contact because eventually it will happen” kind of old friends. Basically think of a time in your life where something got fucked up and you can’t change it. Maybe you once missed a game winner in HS, you struck out with the bases loaded down 3, or your name is Scott Norwood. Just think, you can never change those outcomes. However, when you drop the ball with tail, it’s never over for sure. As long as she has a pulse you still have a PULSE. I, myself, hate defeat and have a real problem accepting it. I am always determined to achieve. That being said, I decided to meet up with this friend, knowing she has a boyfriend and hoping that maybe she would wilt under the immense pressure. As the saying goes; Pressure busts pipes…and so does the DDB. We will call my friend Portia. Portia is the goddess of opportunity and in my ever-optimistic ways I view her, not as a past fuck-up, but a future opportunity. Portia wanted to get together for some drinks on Fat Tuesday and talk about her problems with her man. Having problems with her man made this meeting even more appealing. She met up with me and we went to a bar where several of my friends had gathered to enjoy the festivities. We did not spend much time with them and rather opted to talk on our own. She eventually got overly hammered and needed to go home. To make this long story short, she ruined my entire night. My big plans for Fat Tuesday thwarted by the allure of taking down Portia! The next day my buddy Espo proposed that this girl may be my kryptonite. I was in agreement with this theory for all of about 15 seconds. Then I realized, there is no kryptonite for what I have got. I am my own kryptonite. My stubbornness and determination to handle unfinished business is my weakness. I chose difficult over easy ten times out of ten. I also chose damn near impossible over difficult every time. It is how I am programmed and I will never change. I am my own worst enemy at times but would have it no other way. I am sure that night brought me one step closer to taking down Portia and finally knocking down that game winner. That being said, I am also sure that whatever measures her boyfriend will take in making Valentine’s Day memorable will surely counter my few hours of hard work. That will just make it tougher on me the next time I find myself up top with the ball in my hands and time winding down. I would have it no other way!

 This Has No Relevance But Needed Inclusion! 

Tomorrow – The joke that is Valentine’s Day!

Happy Black History Month! If I line things up correctly after my New York trip from a couple weekends ago, a few black girls will be making history on this very blog! What girl will break the LiveDDB.com color barrier?? We have a very interesting February ahead of us.

 That interesting February begins tonight when Monty Meza-Clay takes on Eric Aiken on ESPN2. It continues Saturday with the foie gras protest. After slaying the geese I’ll hopefully be slaying a piece!

 It really gets interesting on Sunday when The Doctor and some of his colleagues invade the Philadelphia Applebee’s on 15th St. between Walnut and Locust to join Sports Radio 950’s ( www.sr950.com or 950AM) “The Fanatics.” The DDB has risen to the challenge set forth by the hosts of the area’s most entertaining sports radio show. The hosts set forth a challenge between the Docotr and some other guy to show up Sunday between 2-6PM for their SuperBowl pre-game party. I decided this was a measure that had to be taken, so I am skipping the early portions of our own party for this promising opportunity. Could this be the beginning of history?? The other guys have the “Wang Bowl” but could Super Bowl Sundays with DDB become a Philadelphia staple?? Clearly, I’m getting ahead of myself but it is a great thought. Thanks to Jamie Yannacone and Harry Mayes for extending the challenge. Also, I would like to thank any DDB readers that e-mailed in on behalf of Dr. DumbBroads on www.LiveDDB.com. While our numbers will not be what they normally would Sunday due to several people holding down the fort on Super Bowl Sunday, we will bring a respectable platoon to the Applebee’s. February is getting off to an great start, let’s keep the intensity high!

Just a few quick things I want to promote before I get into my feelings on a subject which I am not excited about. First, I want to remind you guys to check out ESPN’s Friday Night Fights this Friday February 1 on ESPN2. One of the featured fighters is a very good friend to the DDB, and a PA fighter. Please guys, make sure you tune in to check out Monty Meza-Clay! He is a junior lightweight taking on Erik Aiken. Before you head out to “take one down” hopefully Monty can take down Erik Aiken. Good luck brother!

Second, I have a family member in the restaurant business. One of his good friends owns a restaurant in West Chester by the name of Gilmore’s. It’s a nice French restaurant that happens to serve foie gras. For those of you not familiar, it is goose liver. Now, there are several people who lobby against the practice of serving foie gras citing that it is a cruel practice. You know, all that animal rights bullshit! Well guess what, until the animals start learning how to fist fight, shoot guns, drive tanks, our fly planes that drop bombs, we’re running shit. We’re going to eat what we want! You think if the animals ran amok on this planet and we did not have the technology and knowledge to kill them that they would spare us?? I doubt it! That being said, I want to inform you of a rally being held Saturday night Feb. 2 at 6:00 in West Chester, PA. These people have apparently been protesting at Gilmore’s for quite some time, but this is their big day. When I was made aware of this I immediately lost it. How many fish do you think are protesting against shark attacks? How many snakes and lizards are protesting against alligators eating humans? None! Animals kill each other. It’s a way of life. Living organisms kill one another as a means to survive. It’s called a food chain jerk-off! Guess who is at the top, we are! That means we can eat whatever the fuck we want! It didn’t happen by accident. We worked hard to get here. Millions of years and tons of inventions got us where we are today. With all that being said, I am asking you to join myself and several other members of Team DDB in an all day Saturday anti-protest. If you are interested we are going to meet at a secret location (email: TeamDDB@gmail.com for info), drink all day, and head out to meet protest with protest. Guys, this isn’t just about foie gras either. It’s about every type of meat you enjoy. Foie Gras is just the start! If we allow this to happen, how far will these tree huggers take it? We must fight back! 

Now, for the true object of my frustration I give you, Philly Live. Sure this entry is about a week late. I just didn’t have time to write it. I hate Philly Live! Not so much for the concept itself but for the symbolism and for the side effects that will be caused by such an attraction. I grew up on the Spectrum. Sure, I grew up watching Prism too and I wasn’t mad when Comcast took over, but this is something totally different. In this building I got the chance to watch all the great players of the period; Barkley, Isiah, Hakeem, Mike, Magic, Ewing, and the list goes on. This building is the last building to host a Philadelphia champion and now we’re going to tear it down. We’re going to tear it down in an attempt to be more attractive to the conforming public.

Over the past few years I have watched Philadelphia attempt to become something it is not. They have made concerted efforts to bringing a youth movement to the city. They want to make it more attractive to people outside the city in order to gain both visitors and new residents. In doing such, I think Philly has compromised much of its individualism and its unique identity. We are a blue collar city with an attitude and a unique blend of personalities. A far cry from other cities that it seems the” new Philadelphians” (not native Philadelphians but those from the suburbs and transplants) would like us to emulate. New York City and several other major metro areas are filled with people who are always trying to get ahead or gain popularity behind a veil of lies and exaggerations. Sure they seem great when you are there for a brief visit, but spend time living there and, if you’re anything like me, you’ll see what I mean. To me, this is what keeps me in Philadelphia. Sure, I hate the cold, but I’ve always endured the cold temperatures knowing that most of the time I am dealing with people who are real. Until now!

Philadelphia has seen an influx in yuppies and chain restaurants and they have managed to really debilitate the character of our city. We have great food and amazing restaurants. Why the need for a Chili’s, Olive Garden, or anything of the like in town? So that when tourists come through or suburbanites come into town they know what to expect from these places. It’s just more visitor friendly. As for the yuppies, they used to be confined to just Manayunk. This was perfect, I just avoided Manayunk and all was good with my life. Now, Manayunk must be filled to capacity because they have been spilling out through the city for awhile now. It is horrible. I used to be able to go to certain bars/clubs based on the atmosphere and what type of music they were playing. Picking the right spot meant a crowd that was very diverse but all there in order to enjoy that same atmosphere and dance to that music. Now, it seems like every place is the same, just with a different name. Each bar is filled with yuppies. Each yuppie is dripping with pretension. All with the same haircuts and the same outfits, just change the colors of the shirts and pants. It’s like EA Sports made a night life game and you can create your own players. You can set the height and weight but from there you have 5 choices of haircuts (which vary little), 6 pair of shoes, 3 styles of shirts (with 3 colors for each shirt), and a few different facial hair styles. The only difference is at the Philly bars you can not adjust the attributes for any of these guys. Each one of them has a coolness level of 9 (on a scale of 99 for those not familiar), a “heart” rating of 5, and an ability to have fun level of about 2. To put it simple and plain the yuppies are all cut from the same cloth. Just imagine a fraternity of tens of thousands! The fact that this is the clientele at many night time establishments has also caused them to produce a cookie cutter presentation. Every place looks the same. They all play the same music in the same fashion. Start the night by playing top 40 hip-hop, switch to techno midway through the night, come back to some hip-hop, and finish the night with Journey, Bon Jovi, and maybe Rick Springfield if you’re lucky. And you know what, people love this shit! They will go out Friday and Saturday to different places listen to the same music in the same order, look at the same Chads cohabiting the establishment of choice, and absolutely love it! Then on Sunday they will argue about which place was better! They were both the same, they fucking blow!  Philly Live is just another piece in this puzzle. In an attempt to make Philly more appealing to visitors we will have yet another location where people can congregate to eat, drink, and be merry. I hate it! It is just a nice place where people can find everything that they need in one place. They don’t need to travel throughout any other place in the city. They don’t need to know anything about Philadelphia and they don’t need to be familiar at all with the real character of the city! It’s disgusting! Where has my city gone?

Speaking of the character of my city, here is a guy that just doesn’t get it. I introduce to you Frank Fitzpatrick. His Philly.com bio says he lives in West Chester, but he can’t possibly be born and bred in this area. Unless he’s from somewhere like Yardley or Gladwyne. In this article he paints a terrible picture of the Philly sports fan, basically the Philly resident in general (before the Yuppie Takeover). As Philly fans, we fit many of these different stereotypes but not all of them. Sure there are some people that fit many of the stereotypes all in one. Many of the things you mentioned are what things that we love about our city (by the way, that guy with the wallet full of $100s wouldn’t have a wallet. He’d have a knot). I love seeing guys getting hammered, getting hype for our teams, being loud in public forums where people fail to understand why we are what we are. Some people call it ignorance, I call it passion. The kind of passion you only find in places like Philadelphia. A city where the natives put aside any worries about what people think of them. We are who we are and we’re proud of it. We’re not people longing to be something we’re not. We’re not concerned with outsiders’ perceptions of us. We’re not like these yuppies and losers from other cities trying to give of a certain impression. We are Philadelphians! I think a lot of us have grown up around these types of people and we love them. Things like this remind us of our drunken uncle or our neighbor and other people who have sculpted a piece of who we are, no matter how small. The one stereotype about Philadelphia fans and residents that he left out is the image of the Philly fighter. I guess he should’ve thought about that before writing his piece! Look out Frank Fitzpatrick, Philly hates you!

Wow, so it has been quite awhile and I know many of you have been wondering, “What’s up with the blog?” To be honest there is a couple things that have contributed to the dearth of new posts. First, would be the fact that I have just been extremely busy at work. That is usually the biggest reason behind any delay in posts but this time around, my workload is at a higher level than ever before. Second, due to this increased work level, also increased has been my laziness. Before, writing this blog was basically the only thing that I would do throughout the course of an 8-hour day. Now that I actually have shit to do, I relish those moments that I have free. The third and most discouraging cause is the fact that I have become complacent. It’s no big deal. It’s a part of life. People that find success in certain endeavors at one point or another become so effortlessly productive that complacency is inevitable. Just look at the Boston Celtics! Last week they lost three out of four to the Bobcats and the Wizards (two losses). It seems like they have realized that they were on cruise control and now they’re back pressing on the gas with three straight wins. In every aspect of my life I have had complacency set in at one point or another. As a result of my laid back nature, sometimes it carries on for a long time. Most of the time, I do not even notice that I am contented. I just carry about my life and just go through the motions. It’s not until I get a nice smack in the face, that I realize, get your ass in gear and get hungry again. This was the weekend I decided to get back on track.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. is a person to whom I owe a great deal of thanks. I see him as a great leader and a wise man. Sure, anybody who knows me will tell you that his practice of non-violence is conflicts with anything I would ever preach but he was smart enough to realize that was a tool he had to utilize to achieve his goals. All that shit is well and good but, in reality, the reason I owe so much to Dr. King is because without his vision and his movement, I’d have half as many friends and the blog would have a significantly lower number of readers. For this Dr. King, I salute you!

    ”This is your ‘Pimp Hand.’ Keep it Strong DDB!” 

In order to show my appreciation for the Dr. King, Dr. DumbBroads was taking to New York City and was only gunning for minority tail! Saturday morning I woke up early with plans to hit the Big Apple. A girlfriend of mine who knew I was planning this trip asked me if I would be willing to let her friend hitch a ride up the NJ Turnpike to get dropped off at her friend’s house in Brooklyn. No problem, unless she’s ugly! She wasn’t at all. She was a nice little Latina joint. We rolled out of Philly at around 9AM and made pretty good time to the city. We had pretty good conversation on the ride but I thought nothing of it. I dropped her off, met up with a few friends, and we did our thing. I knew I had her when I started getting texts from her throughout the course of the day to see how my day was going.

That night we went to the Garden to see the Geriatric-Title Bout, Jones-Trinidad. After the fight ended my friend Lucifer and I went to the 40/40 Club. One of our good friends had a room reserved and it was sure to be some pretty hot tail in there. Not only hot tail, but black tail! The kind of tail I had my sights set on in order to honor the vision of Dr. King. I knew there would be a superfluity of hot black chicks in the building.

“Black cat is bad luck…Must’ve been a white guy who started all that” – MC Serch

Yes indeed, it must have been a white guy who started all that. A white guy, with absolutely no game! I happen to have plenty of luck with “black cat.” I entered the 40/40 with my game face (forward to 2:40 mark) on. I was focused and determined to put that satisfied attitude behind me. Once again, I had the hunger. I hit the door and took about 4 steps and BANG! I was locked in and engaged on the first hot piece I found. She was a southern girl. She was baaaaaaad. I asked her what brought her to New York. She told me that she works as a lawyer and then I interjected “And in your free time talk to extremely attractive white men.” I talked to her for about ten minutes. About five minutes in she introduced me to her girl. This was hilarious because the girl was glued to the big screen in the 40/40 watching highlights of the fight. She did not even take more than a second to acknowledge me, just a brief look over her shoulder. I whispered to her friend, “Wow, you either hate white guys or love boxing. Which one is it?” She was pretty embarrassed by this and she claimed to love boxing. Three days later and I’m still not buying it! From there I moved to the dance floor. Maybe that is why the “black cat” is bad luck for so many white guys, because they can’t dance. I, fortunately, am able to hold my own out on the floor. This is huge in my pursuit of this demographic. After turning it out on the dance floor for about a half-hour I sought relaxation in the form of one of the many couches. Not just any couch though, I had a particular resting place in my sights. There were two very good looking females perched on this couch and there was something very peculiar about them. I looked at my boy and said, “Look at those girls right there. I don’t know what it is about them but I think they’re ‘together.’” I approached the couch with a little excess ass-space (more than sufficient for my bony ass), flashed a smile and sat beside one of them. She was very welcoming and we struck up a conversation immediately. I could not help but think that the girl next to her was her girlfriend and I was trying to set myself up a way to figure it out without being too blunt. After about 10 minutes it hit me! “So, you two don’t have boyfriends that are going to come over here and fight me, do you? I don’t want to ruin your night by requiring you to truck them off to the hospital.” At this they both laughed and the one closest to me said, “No, we don’t. You’re alright.” I then followed her answer with, “Well that is not your girlfriend right there is it? Because I can’t hit girls unless they’re ugly and she clearly is not!” She then made my night by confirming that they were a couple. Not only was I excited that I was right, I was excited that I was in uncharted waters. I honestly wish that I could remember the things I was saying to these girls. Knowing that they were together and either lesbians or bisexuals it kind of put me in the mind state to really let loose. I had absolutely nothing to lose. I was really off the wall with my comments. The only one that really stands out is when she told me that she had just moved to NYC six months ago from Los Angeles. She said that the two had been in a long-distance relationship for a year and a half up until that point. To this all I had to say was, “So the two of you have had quite the relationship. There is the bi-sexual, there was the bi-coastal (NY-LA), all you’re missing is the bi-racial. I can gladly add that in.” I spent a very enjoyable hour and a half with these girls and we had a great time. Instead of press the issue we exchanged our info and vowed to hang out in the near future. I’m hoping this could result in a monster-blog.

 Do Not Fear The Black Cat, Embrace It!

The other reason I was forced to leave the couple to enjoy one another was the text I had received. The girl I brought up was trying to head home. We decided earlier that we’d leave in the middle of the night and it seemed she was ready to ride out. At 3:30 she was ready to rock. I left the sexy couple and went to grab Lucifer. He held me up a few minutes trying to work his magic with a couple broads. At 3:45 the lights came on and I noticed another female eyeing me from across the bar. I approached her, talked to her for 3 minutes and the next thing you know her and two of her girlfriends are walking to my car with Lucifer and myself. I didn’t know what was going on because I had to go pick up the other babe. During the walk to my car I found out that these three girls were from out of town but the one interested in me comes to the Philly area twice a month for her work. With that a light bulb went off. I don’t need to whack her tonight because it will happen soon enough. I dropped the three babes and Lucifer off at the girls’ hotel. I was definitely rolling the dice! I was banking on the fact that this virtual stranger was going to give me a bang of gratitude once we got back to Philly.

The ride back was silent. She asked about my night and then she passed out for the remainder of the ride. We got back to Philly around 6AM and when I attempted to drop her off, she invited me in. I thought I had something there! Unfortunately she threw on sweatpants and a T-shirt and jumped right into bed. I really didn’t know what to say to her on this topic, so I was just honest. “Listen, I’m not wearing any underwear. I don’t have any shorts or sweatpants and there is no way that I’m wearing these dress pants to bed. I’m going to sleep naked.” Surprisingly she was fine with that and she just scooted a little further to the edge of the bed. I laid down and passed out right away. I awoke a couple hours later to the rubbing of my chest. It felt pretty good and it eventually progressed from chest to the dong. With this, I wasted no time. I rolled over and ripped off her sweats. Threw her on top of me and handled my business. It was a pleasant surprise. There was definitely a point of the trip where I expected this to happen but then I was very pessimistic when it did not happen upon our immediate return. It was definitely a big score for me. Somewhat effortless and definitely quality. Saturday night I got my squirrel on. I wound up getting my fill for that night and left New York City with a couple nuts horded for future use. Who knows what will happen with the dykes, but the other two girls that I met are a virtual lock to be whacked in the future. As for Lucifer he did not get so lucky with the girls at their hotel. Maybe the “black cat” is bad luck for most guys! As for Dr. King, I hope I did you proud. I hope that you looked down upon my interaction with the numerous females of different races and you said to yourself, :”Thank you son for being living proof that my work was not in vain.” Well, from one Dr. to another, I thank you for making it possible for me to have such a variety of options. Without you Dr. King, this blog would not have been possbile. Thank you Dr. King!